‘Care’

‘Care’ as shown 2021 True Colours, Bus Projects, Naarm/so called Melbourne

For me, the word ‘care’ has come to mean so many bad things.   

I was balling my eyes out in hospital, I had just had my stroke. 

A doctor had just said he would not have recommended the surgery that had been the cause of the stroke.

One of the nurses said ‘it’s ok - we can take care of you.’

He was only being lovely, poor guy. 

The fresh erruption of screams coming out of me at hearing, ‘we can take care of you’.

I did not want their care, I wanted to go home.

and what care?

Yes some of the nurses were awesome, but then some were not.

I didn’t feel cared for because there was no one I could count on.

I used to dream of letting go, falling. And there would be all these arms to catch me, hold me, take care of me.

That has never been the case for me.

In a letter, they tried to alleviate my fear, by saying ‘best, most compassionate, ‘care.’.

Without really answering my questions.

My question was, will they be given enough time?

At a meeting about future disability housing, the word ‘care’, was peppered all throughout it.

To me, it has come to mean a dangerous concept.

‘You are being taken care of.’.

You start to lose self determination.

I actually feel terror in the movies where someone is in hospital and trying to say something very important, but the nurses assume they are raving and don’t listen.

And they call that ‘care’.

Care becomes a weapon of power to take away.

And in my case you are not being ‘taken care of’ for a short time - it is forever.

I’m not confusing the facts, that I couldn’t actually do something and that was upsetting me. The nurse was right, it should have been alright, but it just wasn't.

They have put a powerful word, in a wrong place, over a broken mess.

And then there is the word ‘carer’.

That little ‘r’.

I hate it. 

To have anyone paid to take care of you is an oxymoron.

They are being paid to do a job.

You can’t pay your emotions to care!

The fact that you care should not come into it.

I dream of crying, braking down.

In front of the world.

Like they do, in movies.

And there is someone caring.

But the world doesn’t care.

It can’t care.

It's a problem with our society.

They just say “where is your carer?”.

Or, “Where is her carer?”.

I should love ‘care’.

I do love care.

I care about things.

I care about you.